It is a little over a month since I lasted posted on here. On the day of my post, I was called by my brother to say that my mother had been admitted to hospital. She had been unwell and largely housebound for some time. When I went to visit her (her home is in Norfolk, 250 miles away), she was clearly gravely ill. I stayed for a couple of days, but when she seemed to rally a little I returned home as my eldest child needed delivering to university, his first term – a huge moment for all of us and one which my mother would not have wanted me to miss.
I promised Mum that I would return the following week and I kissed her goodbye, not knowing if I would see her again. That possibility hung thick in the air between us, though neither of us could bring ourselves to articulate it. It was the last time I would see my Mum alive again as she died the day before I planned to return.
So, the last month of my life has been a pretty momentous one.
It’s a weird time. First, there is the hectic bit – my father died 10 years ago and as the executor of my mother’s will that now means I get to do all the admin. It’s quite a thing. Repeating the words “I’m ringing to let you know that my mother died…yes, the account number is… yes thirteen, zero four, forty-three…nineteen, zero nine, nineteen” over and over has a kind of numbing effect. I felt like an automaton and then, at totally unexpected moments, the shock would hit all over again – my mother just died! I no longer have parents.
Second, there is the tailspin of intense self-cross-examination that it throws you into – Did I do enough? Could I have been there at the end? Why didn’t I spot how bad things were? Why didn’t I tell her I loved her? Why didn’t she tell me she loved me? All a completely pointless exercise of course.
Finally, grief seems to lead you to question life more generally – why is that? Just when you are vulnerable, you start posing big questions to yourself – what am I doing with my life? – at a time when you are spectacularly ill-equipped to answer sensibly. Plus, with my son no longer permanently at home, my own little nest is emptying slightly and that has left its mark too.
Mum’s funeral took place last week and most of the immediate admin has been done. So, there is a small element of closure. The end of the beginning part of the grieving process. In the coming weeks and months I will no doubt be seeking answers to some of those bigger questions. I hope to get back into my blogging habit soon as it is something I enjoy enormously. With all the ‘organising’ that has been necessary I have not had the usual time to use my writing as an outlet for my feelings, which is so important.
So, readers, I hope you will bear with me on this journey. Thanks for reading.